I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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