dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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