and you said cock pushups were impossible
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
