mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
