New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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