plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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