I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care