Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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