i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need to calm my uterus...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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