When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
