I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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