nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
