The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
