just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
