And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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