guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He passed out mid-signature
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
