he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
