I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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