Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
