Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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