Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
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How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
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The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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