so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
