my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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