i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
