I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
