I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
