I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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