Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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