And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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