oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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