I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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