Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
