You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
