FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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