i'm signing you up for texting rehab
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
