I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
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I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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