I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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