At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
