I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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