I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
