Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
