Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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