I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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