Buhtt sex?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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