Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
