im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
They took my balls.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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