I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She announced her abortion via fbk
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize