When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
