You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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