You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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