I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
