my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i love accidental penises.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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