What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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