I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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