Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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