what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
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I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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