I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
