Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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