i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
